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10 thoughts on “What Do You Say After You Say Hello?

  1. says:

    This book has one of the most misleading and worst titles, and it is one of the best books ever written in the field of psychology It s like how they named Greenland, a desolate hunk of ice sorry if you re from Greenland almost wholly within the Arctic Circle, GREEN land and Iceland, a gorgeous, temperate, GREEN country, wholly outside the Arctic Circle, ICE land There are many theories as to how this misnomer occurred, but my favorite is that Erik The Red, a hearty Viking undoubtedly with a good sense of humor wanted to attract settlers to his colony and so named it something appealing Well, I don t know why Eric Berne, the famous psychologist and best selling author, named this book What Do You Say After You Say Hello, but for all practical purposes he named it the book ish equivalent of Iceland when it is indeed Greenland The title sounds like a dating guide.Are you interested in spirituality You re not going to find it here Do you want a quick fix for your problems I do If you know of any, please email me You re not going to find it here In this book, what you get is extraordinarily clear headed thinking about how we think or don t The book is based on the psychological school of Transactional Analysis the notion that all people have three distinct parts to their personality despite their age Parent, Adult, and Child, and that transactions between people are best served by communicating on the same level, Parent to Parent, Adult to Adult, and Child to Child A brief example would be if somebody was goofing around coming from the Child part of their personality and you shot them down from the Parent part of your personality , saying something like, You re so immature That would be a mixed transaction and problematic But even important than mixed transactions, Berne goes into great depth on how almost always our lives follow scripts ways of thinking about our lives ingrained in us at an early age from our parents and other significant figures and that these scripts are often counter productive and even at times tragic It s almost creepy thinking that what you absorbed from your parents and it being long forgotten into adulthood could be determining your current life, but Berne provides convincing proof and most importantly a way out.He writes Although men are not laboratory animals, they often behave as though they are Sometimes they are put in cages and treated like rats, manipulated and sacrificed at the will of their masters But many times the cage has an open door, and a man has only to walk out if he wishes If he does not, it is usually his script which keeps him there That is familiar and reassuring, and after looking out at the great world of freedom with all its joys and dangers, he turns back to the cage with its buttons and levers, knowing that if he keeps busy pushing them, and pushes the right one at the right time, he will be assured of food, drink, and an occasional thrill But always, such a caged person hopes or fears that some force greater than himself, the Great Experimenter or the Great Computer, will change or end it all Subtle forces we are unaware of drive us, and the answer to counteracting that unawareness is awareness And the best chance Berne points out that often counseling is needed in some cases of obtaining that awareness is functioning mostly from our Adult Not exclusively of course There are benefits to all three parts of our personality and appropriate times for their expression It s just when for example a grown man or woman is consistently acting, say, from their Child, that life is unnecessarily counterproductive.So it sounds like common sense, right No need to read the book Don t cheat yourself Most psychology books are pretty good or at least have a few good thoughts and concepts you can glean from them This book is great This book and the Transactional Analysis it expounds on could improve your life immensely.Me personally I m getting older 57 and I m single so the following passage really applies to me and to women too The cure for the scriptless aged is permission, but they seldom use it There are thousands of older men living in small rooms in every large city, each of them wishing there was someone to cook for him, talk to him, and listen to him At the same time, there are thousands of older women living under the same circumstances, wishing they had someone to cook for, talk to, and listen to Even if the twain do happen to meet, they rarely take advantage of it, each preferring to remain in his or her familiar drab surroundings hunched over a glass or a TV set, or sitting with folded hands, waiting for a riskless, sinless death Those were mother s directives when they were little, and these are the directives they are following seventy or eighty years later They never took chances before, beyond a small bet at the racetrack or the stadium, so why should they jeopardize everything now The script has vanished by its own fulfillment, but the old slogan lingers on, and when death comes they will greet him gladly And on the front of the tombstone whey will carve Gone to rest with his forebears, and on the back it will say I lived a good life, and never took any chances They say that in the next century, children will be grown in bottles, according to specifications laid down by the state and the parents, and there they will be genetically programed But everybody is already raised in a bottle according to specifications laid down by the state and his parents, and there he is script programed Script programing is easier to shake off than genetic programing, but few people exercise the privilege For the ones who do, there can be a inspiring tombstone Nearly all pious epitaphs, translated into Martian script based thinking , come out Raised in a bottle, and stayed there, too And so they stand, row after row of crosses and other symbols in the graveyard, all with the same motto Only here and there is a surprise Raised in a bottle but I jumped out Many people refuse to do that, even when there is no cork.


  2. says:

    A somewhat misleading title as the book won t give any helpful tips to change a conversation for the better The underlying theory however is interesting Right from the start we have an unconscious belief of life and ourselves which controls every bit of our life and thus also influences the way we talk to other people The typical examples however could be shortened Berne s book Games people play is far better in analyzing the way people talk with each other.


  3. says:

    Eric Berne s best book, I feel Berne became the darling of social workers and pop psychologists, and I suspect was correspondingly disliked by real psychologists Nevertheless, I have a lot of time for him In particular, his belief that human beings contain within them a Parent, Child and Adult, and use these to build their relations with others and their understanding of themselves is not at all daft For example, his views are consonant with those of G H Mead, the founder of Social Psychology I suspect he is disliked because he is readable This is a great sin in some circles.


  4. says:

    This is basically a psychology textbook telling you why people do what they do and what in their lives made them decide they had to make the choices they made Extremely enlightening and interesting, if not a little outdated There are also some very nice bedtime stories in this book.


  5. says:

    It is funny to consider that many of us live our lives such that they may resemble classic fairytales though not necessarily with happy endings This, while it isn t the point of the book, was a fun theme that ran through it Fun psychology.


  6. says:

    The most brilliant book ever written I ve read it so many times Demystifies life Not a bad achievement if you ask me.


  7. says:

    I liked the descriptions of transactional analysis Author did good job of using characters from well known stories i.e., Cinderella as examples of analysis with his methodology His approach in writing seems suggestive rather than conclusive, which is appropriate Also he uses a martian perspective to explain an objective view of stories to explain his approach of critiquing situations and looking deeper to show how scripts intertwine for a group I enjoyed that.


  8. says:

    Really changes everything I think about myself and where I m headed Will make you wonder why certain interactions go the ways they do It has the potential to look deeply into who you are, identify what mistakes you make and why you make yourself do them Book can be scary, must be necessary Berne goes into interesting territories, but is able to pull you out for a breather with a 70 s era non pc zinger from time to time.


  9. says:

    I bought five books as gifts to family and friends This is one of those rare books that should make everyone s must read list.


  10. says:

    W ell I read Games People Play before this, and am a fan of it Perhaps its not fair to make comparisons, but it is inevitable That book was far well organized, and made for a much better read than this one.Berne introduces us to TA once again in the book, and his explanation is indeed very engaging and sensible But somewhere down the line, the classification of every action into scripts gets as regressive as the boiling down of every act to the psychosexual stages Though the author very defensively reminds us that he is all for free will and individual action, the book puts a contrary point of view across, especially with the checklist presented for getting a fair idea of a person s script.Nonetheless, the book gives valuable information on how our early experiences pretty much shape up how we respond to different situations when we grow up Berne s satirical yet very truthful digs at people s justification for their actions are interesting Also, his analysis of fairy tales like Cinderella and Red Riding Hoood were the life of this book for me Having said that, I also believe the book could have been shortened a bit, to avoid the monotony of the concept it delivers.I would recommend reading the book, but please read Games People Play first, for the book makes numerous references to its material.


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